Repo Men – What could have been…

It’s standard practice in Hollywood nowadays. Take a great premise, dumb it down to Larry the Cable Guy level and then watch the fun as the moolah pours in. Or does it? Guys you should have realized that this fuckin’ no-brain strategy backfired a long long time ago when John Travolta thought that Battlefield Earth would do to the book what Gone With the Wind achieved. Damn you never learn.

Repo Men
Laugh it up guys... I ain't

Repo Men starts off with  great premise and an impassive but impressive looking Jude Law. He s a man entitled with legal powers to repossess organs that have been give to sick patients when they default on their payments. Now, this does make for great science fiction and the premise does make for a dark, brooding, bloody picturesque entertainment… think Soylent Green. So there you have it great actors (Jude Law, Liev Schreiber, Forest Whitaker – I just tolerate this one) , great arc, action, good body count. Now what could go wrong with all this stuff in there? Lot’s, for one – the screenplay is completely dumbed down. Forest Whitaker is irritating as hell. A unique premise turns into the worst cliche ever.

Things move fast in Repo Men and when they do they make absolutely no sense. This nonsense is extended to the characters emotions and the acting goes from interesting, to bad and finally if It hadn’t been for the remaining movies in my system (Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris starrers) I would have very well thrown the damn laptop into the concrete machine next door where they were getting their house renovated. Repo Men has a defective screenplay and a defective director who would not have been worth directing Universal Soldier 5. Besides being a debut director I think Miguel Sapochnik‘s only other claim to fame was parking studio executives cars without a scratch in the Universal parking lot.

Save Jude Law and to some extent Liev Schreiber, every other character in the movie is unbearable. Cliches break the unique nature of this film and Steven Seagal could definitely have directed a better action film. What the fuck – Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal should have headlined this piece with Chuck Norris in a guest appearance.  Seagal and Van Damme as Repo Men – repossessing organs. Love that shit. Woah, why didn’t the studio think this up? If ever there is a reboot of this movie and I am a studio executive, I would sell every damn Universal property to get this cast in. And of course there’s the chick in the flick who has a body full of artificial organs. Some Latino belle. I am gonna replace her with Lucy Lawless. Van Damme, Norris, Seagal, Lawless…. sigh.

I can’t go on with the story without cringing when thinking of that look on Forest Whitaker’s face as he chases his former partner for repossessing his artificial heart… whoops! did I give away too much. After Idi Amin, Whitaker better stick to playing African dictators. His hang-dog face ain’t cutting shit out there in Hollywood.

The ending does have its twist, but the demented middle of the movie screws up every other scene. Watching the one hour forty five minute Repo Men brought out just one tagline – Damn… what a waste.

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