It’s been a month since the announcement of the Bhaskar Awards by Christy Bharath. This is my first contribution to all that’s classically nonsensical in the parallel universe of our mainstream films.
1994 was an epic year at the Bhaskar’s as ‘Forrests’ Rump‘ swept away all the contenders in its path. The late eighties and the early nineties heralded all that was wrong with the human psyche and physiology. From ‘My Left Foot‘ to ‘Children of a Lesser God‘ to ‘The Gods must be Crazy‘ – absolutely no one was spared. The decade of the retard culminated in this masterpiece of 1994 when a guy with a deformed behind that stuck out like a sore… well what can I say but ‘behind’ again, sat on this bench in a seedy part of the neighbourhood waiting for the city bus.
‘Life is like a box of coconuts’ – said the deformed rump of the person whom we shall name Forrest. Why Forrest – cause he was too retarded to spell ‘forest’ as a kid and the name stuck to him ever since. This seedy part of the neighbourhood has its share of weird stuff falling around and this carton of coconuts fromt the Dominican Republic was found and kept by Forrest. During the time that he waited for the bus in this neighbourhood (by the way he was too dumb to know that no buses plied this route), he had coke sniffing rastafarians, Chinese triad gang members dressed as monks, prostitutes plying their trade way after their expiry date and homosexual pimps enquiring if Forrest was ever interested.
Some dumb blabbering from time to time completely turned off these people who tried to make the bench their home. One even bought a bunch of coconuts to shut Forrest up as he narrated his life story and went about singing ‘I have a lovely bunch of coconuts’ to drown out Forrest talking about his rump.
Sample some of Forrests’ stories – he is recruited for the Vietnam War, joins his platoon on duty in some godforsaken part of the South East and stumbles onto the set of Coppola’s Apocalypse Now ending in huge delays, hence the late release of that classic. The other is when Forrest played ping pong with Mao Tse Tung as a POW and ended up hitting a ping into Mao’s pong resulting in severe lower abdominal pain for the great dictator. This hastened the great one’s death leading to the rise of liberal China and the rise of Chinese soap bubble guns in the American market that ended up blinding 80% of the kids who used them.
Then there was Forrests’ crush Jenny who helped him get rid of those leg braces by calling out ‘push Forrest push’ somewhere in the middle of Grandpa’s haystack and in the process the leg braces broke off. Jenny went on to be known in the Adult industry by her real name Jenna and the surname that she sharedwith the publisher/editor in chief of a certain Daily Bugle.
All the above made for a very engaging movie that could not stop the juggernaut that it was that year and for this reason only – i.e. being unstoppable in suspending everyone’s disbelief, we hand over the Bhaskar to Forrests’ Rump. BTW people made fun ofhis rump throughout the movie and this was the running gag in it. Sample this – Kid stands behind Forrests’ Rump and knocks on his rump saying,
Forrest Rumpelstilskin who dares you to repeat that name. Bah!