Bhaskar Special – Forrests’ Rump

It’s been a month since the announcement of the Bhaskar Awards by Christy Bharath. This is my first contribution to all that’s classically nonsensical in the parallel universe of our mainstream films.

bhaskar-awards1994 was an epic year at the Bhaskar’s as ‘Forrests’ Rump‘ swept away all the contenders in its path. The late eighties and the early nineties heralded all that was wrong with the human psyche and physiology. From ‘My Left Foot‘ to ‘Children of a Lesser God‘ to ‘The Gods must be Crazy‘ – absolutely no one was spared. The decade of the retard culminated in this masterpiece of 1994 when a guy with a deformed behind that stuck out like a sore… well what can I say but ‘behind’ again, sat on this bench in a seedy part of the neighbourhood waiting for the city bus.

‘Life is like a box of coconuts’ – said the deformed rump of the person whom we shall name Forrest. Why Forrest – cause he was too retarded to spell ‘forest’ as a kid and the name stuck to him ever since. This seedy part of the neighbourhood has its share of weird stuff falling around and this carton of coconuts fromt the Dominican Republic was found and kept by Forrest. During the time that he waited for the bus in this neighbourhood (by the way he was too dumb to know that no buses plied this route), he had coke sniffing rastafarians, Chinese triad gang members dressed as monks, prostitutes plying their trade way after their expiry date and homosexual pimps enquiring if Forrest was ever interested.

Some dumb blabbering from time to time completely turned off these people who tried to make the bench their home. One even bought a bunch of coconuts to shut Forrest up as he narrated his life story and went about singing ‘I have a lovely bunch of coconuts’ to drown out Forrest talking about his rump.forrest-gump-bump

Sample some of Forrests’ stories – he is recruited for the Vietnam War, joins his platoon on duty in some godforsaken part of the South East and stumbles onto the set of Coppola’s Apocalypse Now ending in huge delays, hence the late release of that classic. The other is when Forrest played ping pong with Mao Tse Tung as a POW and ended up hitting a ping into Mao’s pong resulting in severe lower abdominal pain for the great dictator. This hastened the great one’s death leading to the rise of liberal China and the rise of Chinese soap bubble guns in the American market that ended up blinding 80% of the kids who used them.

Then there was Forrests’ crush Jenny who helped him get rid of those leg braces by calling out ‘push Forrest push’ somewhere in the middle of Grandpa’s haystack and in the process the leg braces broke off. Jenny went on to be known in the Adult industry by her real name Jenna and the surname that she sharedwith the publisher/editor in chief of a certain Daily Bugle.

All the above made for a very engaging movie that could not stop the juggernaut that it was that year and for this reason only – i.e. being unstoppable in suspending everyone’s disbelief, we hand over the Bhaskar to Forrests’ Rump. BTW people made fun ofhis rump throughout the movie and this was the running gag in it. Sample this – Kid stands behind Forrests’ Rump and knocks on his rump saying,

‘Knock Knock.’

‘Who’s there?’

‘Forrest’

Forrest Who?

Forrest Rumpelstilskin who dares you to repeat that name. Bah!

Birthday Blues

I hate it when birthdays come on a weekday, especially the start of the week. Mine happened to fall on a Tuesday (yesterday). Went through the day like any other day. Mundane work and the words ‘economic recession’ drilled into your head day in and day out don’t make for a good time to go about celebrating.

Also, I hate celebrating my birthday at the workplace. A birthday is personal and I prefer keeping it that way and celebrate it with people who mean to me. I made sure that the birthday notices pasted at the office reception and screaming best wishes to me were removed as soon as I got in. The admin guy summed it up best. You can’t remove the posters in my honour as it’s part of the process to post these rags. That’s exactly it, my birthday has no business to be apart of your process. It’s my birthday and it’s my decision to paste things around about me.

snickersAnyway the day went off as usual. Well-wishers in office did wish me thanks to the social networking sites sending them notices and by word-of-mouth. My treat for the day was having a couple of Snickers after dinner. Other than that it was the normal menu. I am a sucker for Snickers, but the one’s sold in India suck. They are made somewhere in Poland and imported to India. While they retain the general texture and taste, I felt that they were a bit too oily and not as dry and hard as the one’s fromt he US. Anyway, ended the day with a couple of chapters from ‘The Amber Spyglass‘, the last of Philip Pullman‘s His Dark Materials trilogy. I am enjoying every bit of this series.amberspyglass1

Birthday plans – This Saturday with friends in Bangalore. Yet to decide on a restaurant. Chinese probably. Followed by another birthday bash next weekend in Mangalore with friends (thinking of The Village, got some of the best grub in Mangalore). Wish I could have one big treat in Mangalore. The food and retaurants there beat the food scene in Bangalore hands down. Now, you know why most of the cooks in Bangalore come from this region. Christy Bharath are you listening?